You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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