My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
