Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
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