last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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