but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
