I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
