I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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