I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
