like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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