i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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