We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
whose ass print is on the piano?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
