My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
soo... how was my night?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
