just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Randomize