The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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