Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
