i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
