She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
