I am in a vortex of obligation.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
