yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
