I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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