hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
