do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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