none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Welp...herpes.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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