You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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