he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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