saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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