final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
