I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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