no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
