I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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