one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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