I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
