I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
