Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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