Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I need to stop coming to work sober
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
