WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
she woke up with a sticky ear
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
