walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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