The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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