I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
