If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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