Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
