A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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