Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
