you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
