How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
