Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
