god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
