How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
well you can't waste a boner
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
