I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
