4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
