jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
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