I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
