I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
