im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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