Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
