I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
